the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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