GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
