ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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