I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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