As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
