A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
