You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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