you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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