if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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