I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
