please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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