I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
is that a dick in a sweater?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
