You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
