I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I checked into jail on foursquare
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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