I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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