Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
