Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.