I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children