i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
