You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
