Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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