She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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