I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
