you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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