matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
