My sheets look like a crime scene.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
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My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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