My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
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i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
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What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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