I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
