I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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