Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
