Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
