I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
