Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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