im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
