went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
