I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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