Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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