Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
