How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
