I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
