my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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