That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
