Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
