She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
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My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
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Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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