Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
