the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
