FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
