First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
