well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
