I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
