You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
