He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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