I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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