giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
