I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
