Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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