Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
