I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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