So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
