it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
